| Packing |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|05:08 pm] |
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Slow going. I packed some shells. Unloaded my car finally. Now the apartment is a complete wreck. Only a few days left. |
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| Spain |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|11:39 am] |
It´s unfortunate I haven´t had Internet access this last week, because I had plenty to say. Today, my time is limited as I make my way to Bilbao.
Let me just start by saying that I am incredibly surprised by how much I have gotten out of this trip. I have learned for more than I ever expected and met some pretty incredible and generous people. I have learned a plethora of swear words and other useful phrases from the UK, New Zealand, and Australia. I think my favorite is "Sour faced bitch."
We spent a week at Gredos, a four star hotel, outside the small, quaint town of el Barco de Avila. It was in the countryside and the views were breathtaking. I took some pretty amazing photos.
We ate so much food during the week. I don´t know if I have gained weight with all of the walking I have been doing. We had wine at lunch and dinner and had two nights of dancing and drinking. I haven´t slept much.
I´m in Madrid right now and heading to el Museo Thyssen in just a moment.
I really don´t know what else to say without getting into the details...so I´ll save it for later. |
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| What I've learned this week |
[Jun. 28th, 2007|12:29 pm] |
I hate Rothko.
It's ok to get exactly what you want.
Don't ask questions. Sometimes it's best not to know.
Don't obsess and don't analyze.
Let go of the past, but learn from it.
Don't think too far ahead. No amount of planning will matter in the end. This is a habit I need to break.
Live in the moment and enjoy each experience, but be responsbile in doing so.
Don't over do it. Stop once in a while before your body falls apart.
Pain provides the ultimate pleasure and appreciation for insignificant things.
I am lucky in so many ways. Especially for the people in my life, their generosity, concern, and vigilance; my resiliance, determination, and passion. I can't let anyone bring me down ever again. |
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| Prrr |
[Jun. 28th, 2007|08:28 am] |
I laid in bed this morning, warm and snugly. Relaxed and pain free. It felt so fucking good. I slept all night. I could sleep on my side. I'm refreshed and content.
So much to do today, with so little time. But I don't really care. In less than 2 days, I will be in Madrid. |
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| Sugar |
[Jun. 27th, 2007|04:59 pm] |
So my back is on the mend, FINALLY. I went to the chiropractor for the second time and I feel marvelous. She actually had me crying at one point, but I felt much better when I left. I get to go back tomorrow for another massage and cracking. I think I'll enjoy Spain now.
My dark-haired stranger is no longer a stranger and I can honestly say, I have NEVER been so phsyically attracted to anyone in my life. HOT. We definitely have a connection. Too bad I'm moving away, but I will so enjoy his company for now.
I am so goddamn happy right now. A little stressed about not being, um, packed for my trip tomorrow, but I'm HAPPY.
I got to see Sharon and Andrea today. She is so wonderful. She lent me her back brace, bought me lunch, gave me some clothes, and Andrea gave me a list of must do's in Madrid. I love her.
Yesterday I got to go to the OMSI exhibit with Natalie and little man Elliott. He even wore his I Heart NY onsie just for me! The exhibit was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. The mummies in Guanajuato last year were far worse. It was actually really interesting.
Nap time. |
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| . |
[Jun. 25th, 2007|08:24 am] |
Another night of aggravating pain. When will this end????
I'm being recruited by what appear to be some top schools in Manhattan. I've already had three emails from principals requesting interviews. I really didn't want to work in Manhattan, but the schools are better. Would it really be an issue commuting from Brooklyn? I was so convinced I wanted to be close, but I guess commuting by subway isn't as bad as driving.
Hmm. |
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| Stupid People and Desire |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|10:42 am] |
I just have one more thing to bitch about: stupid people.
My ex-sister-in-law is a friend on my Myspace. I don't spend much time on there, but she drops me the occasional note so I check in with her once in a while. This morning I was fucking around on-line and decided to look in on the old fam. Tom, my ex-husband's brother, Lindsey, his wife (the one who lived with us for 6 months and didn't pay rent), and Shelly, the new wife.
Now, I've never met the new wife, because she's a bit of a sociopath. Well, "a bit" is being kind actually, she's a fucking loon apparently. Not only did she get knocked-up after knowing Eric for a month and a half (he did do a paternity test to make sure it was his after several of us concerned on-lookers suggested it--his boss even paid for it); but she also sort of stole $700 from his brother and wife. Oh, and she has a felony behind her. She sort of forget to mention this before they got married when she was 6 months pregnant.
And then there was the crazy business last year when she insisted I was calling her phone repeatedly and hanging up. When Eric asked me about it, I laughed. For one thing, I was finishing my masters degree that very week it began. The second claim was when I was in Mexico visiting Megan and Noah. I was actually chatting with him on-line the next day when she made the accusations. Oh and by the way, my phone number was nowhere on her phone record because, guess what? I didn't call! Psycho!
I don't know why I'm all of a sudden irked by her today, but something about her page just made me want to vomit. Perhaps it is how she portrays herself...loving mom...good wife? God the stories Eric has told me about her...he's such a good guy and he's an idiot for staying with her. My brother is house-sitting for them right now. He doesn't say much about her other than, "She seems nice."
I wonder if she's happy with herself? Purposely getting pregnant, to make a guy marry you. And he's miserable. It's fucking pathetic. My mom did it three times, only the second one didn't work out because the guy nearly died in a motorcycle accident with my mom after they drank a few bottles of champagne. Instead of dying though, he was paralyzed with brain damage and didn't know who my mother was. Thus Adam will never know his father.
So to get to the point of this whole bitch-fest...The other thing I read about this morning was "The Secret." Apparently this profound gem has been around for some time, but with my minimal exposure to media, I somehow missed it. Oh damn! I started to read up on this powerfully vague concept, and wasn't surprised by the end of my research to learn next to nothing about it. Perhaps because it's total bullshit?
The idea behind it makes sense. Think positive thoughts and good things will happen. Ok, duh. If you think about what you want it will happen. Ok, again, duh. It's not really the thinking about it that makes it happen, it's the determining you want it bad enough that causes it to happen. I don't believe the other bogus bullshit they are pushing in how your thoughts have energy which causes the universe to be manipulated at your will. Ok, that is just fucking stupid.
But if you do want something. You can get it. You just have to decide what you want and stick with it.
What do you want?
Sometimes I think I want a house, a dog, a "normal" doting man, and stability. But Dale keeps laughing when I mention this. "No you don't. You thrive on chaos." I sometimes stomp my foot and say "Nu uh." But he does have a point. I thrive on experiencing new things. I get off on it. It rocks my world. It's why I'm going to Spain. It's why I'm moving to New York. It's why I have this insatiable interest to do everything and push myself as much as I do. Some people chide me for it (mostly family), because they don't understand it. How do I explain it? I love learning and seeing and feeling and tasting and touching and understanding.
I watched "Pan's Labyrinth" last night and was again reminded of how much I hate mankind. Vile, evil, despicable. Men are bastards. But my other thought was, "I understand this, without reading the subtitles." I wondered how many people there could? There's something so tantalizing about understanding what others cannot. Trying to see in ways others cannot.
Ok, I think I'm done unloading. Perhaps I should go so long without writing because then I'll just purge every thought and notion that has been rattling around in my mind. |
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| Self-diagnosis and A Bit of a Rant |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|10:19 am] |
I think I finally figured out what the spasms are from: Localized Tetanus.
When I was in Brooklyn, I was invited to a birthday party in Carroll Gardens. We made our way from bar to bar and had an enjoyable evening (for the exception the coked out broad at "Trout"). At one point I drunk dialed Dale and Travis and was leaning up against a wall when something poked me in the back. It wasn't too painful, but it could have been enough, according to what I read, to cause my problems. Last night was better; I was stiff and didn't have the usual horrific spasms. The pain had started on the plane Tuesday night and became excruciating by Wednesday.
I'm going to go to my PCP for a follow up this week and share what I think happened. The problem with tetanus is you can't really test for it. But my neck has been incredibly stiff and my jaw was also affected. At least it's almost over. I had an enjoyable day yesterday delving into "Sex, Time and Power" while hanging out at World Cup Coffee. This book is the perfect read for what I've been struggling over lately.
I'm going to Powell's today to get a Lonely Planet, so I can finalize my travel plans. I don't have much time, but my dark-haired stranger suggested I visit Bilbao and the Guggenheim. It's only about an hour and half away from Pamplona and I do have the 6th and 7th the play around a bit.
I love it when things work out. This trip is going to fucking rock.
I've had a lot of time to think these last few days and reflect. I keep coming back to my move to NYC. I can't wait to be there, but I'm also feeling nervous, which is to be expected. My brother has to find an apartment and he has issues with motivation. I'm having to learn how to stop hand-holding and I'm pushing him to do this on his own. I'll of course help him, but my grandmother is a wreck because he's going to be on his own. Hello, he's 23. She has this tone in her voice now, like her dog died or something. I'm moving so far away and she's terrified I'll be dismembered in the big scary city of New York. "Oh honey, I'm just so worried about you."
I, on the other hand, am not. Things always work out. Shit may happen along the way and it may be a bumpy ride for a while, but I've accomplished a hell of a lot at this point to not give in to ridiculous fears. I know what I want. I didn't do this sooner because I let the values and beliefs of other people rule me. I'm still fighting the urge to live my life according to what I think I'm supposed to want rather than what I actually want.
There is so much to do...
I have to find a storage unit for the things I don't take. I didn't want to, but I don't have much of a choice. I have considered selling off a lot of crap, because I really hold no attachment to any of it.
I have to find a place to live. But Ula said I could stay with her if I can't find a place right away.
Oh, and there's this job business. That would also help I suppose. I have an interview lined up the 29th while flying through NYC. It's going to be a typical crazy ride as I fly into Newark at 9am and have to fly out at 9pm. The interview is in Brooklyn, so it can happen, but it will be intense. I've been receiving emails from schools who want to interview me in Manhattan, but I'm really stuck on the idea of living close to where I work. Yes, the schools would be better in Manhattan, but I really am fed up with commuting. The more I drive around Portland these days, the more I loathe it. This town needs a better public transportation system. It's pathetic.
I got rid of my fish last week, Senor and Fred. They were Damian's so I really don't miss them. I sold my mini-fridge for the $50 I paid for it. Of course, this went towards my $50 co-pay when I was sent to the ER last week. Now, if I can just sell my wedding ring...I'm hoping to get $600 for it. I've tried a few times, but have not met with success. |
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| Livid |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|12:06 pm] |
Now I'm just pissed off. I fucking hate that I can't do anything right now. I'm tired of it. I can't run. I can't swim. I can't lift. It's bullshit. I want this to fucking end.
It has been two weeks now. Of sitting on my ass. Watching inane television shows. I am reminded of how much I fucking hate tv now that I have nothing better to do. I do have a few books to read, but it's hard to delve into them for some reason. Perhaps because I'm just tired.
Today it's my right shoulder that is bothering me. Yesterday it was the lower back. The day before that it was my upper mid back. What the hell did I do to myself?
I have found myself thinking about Travis lately. It's really irritating. I have even called him for some comedic relief. Why do I even bother to talk to him? He's a fucker.
I think I'm getting slightly depressed. There is so much I have to do right now and I simply cannot. I've thought about what it would be like to be paralyzed and I seriously believe I would kill myself. |
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| Patience |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|10:16 am] |
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Valium does nothing for me. The last two nights have been hell. During the day, I'm fine. Like right now, I feel no pain. Just weak. But when I'm on my back the spasms begin. I wish this would end. And it better end by Thursday. Otherwise, the plane ride to Spain is going to blow. And I'm going no matter what. |
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| Advice from the dark haired stranger |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|02:55 pm] |
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"And while I'm spewing out unsolicited advice, I wouldn't even be so concerned with "figuring out what you truly want" while you're there. Instead, just try going along for the ride. Meet as many different people (and different kinds of people) as you can. Go out as much as you can. Experience as much as you can. Experiment. Not to be trite, but it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. It's not about the answer, it's about the question." |
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| Putting life on hold |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|09:25 am] |
I've had to give up a certain amount of control with this whole sickness. I'm no longer frustrated or annoyed. I've accepted that all I can do is wait and pop some Vicodin every few hours. I can stand without crying now. That's some consolation. I can roll on my side without wanting to scream from the pain.
I hope I'm able to at least get to the school tomorrow to enter grades. They're due by 4pm tomorrow. After that, no obligations for 2 weeks, except for dogsitting. That doesn't require too much energy though.
I am confused these days...I often don't know what time it is or what day it is. I've slept more than I've ever slept in my life.
I just hope this is over with my the 28th. |
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| Being sick is unacceptable |
[Jun. 16th, 2007|08:57 am] |
I have been in bed for 2 1/2 days now. I'm not going stir-crazy yet, however, because I've been sleeping most of the time.
I went back to the Urgent care last night and the doc said, "You have the flu, you'll just have to wait it out." Not what I wanted to hear.
They gave me a shot of toradol and I felt significantly better. But after laying in bed for a few hours this morning, I was feeling it again.
I'm now able to walk again, without crying. I hope it stays like this. I'm supposed to be meeting my 7th grade Spanish class for lunch today and I don't have any way to contact them. I think I'll be able to go. |
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| The worst pain in my life |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|12:47 pm] |
I just wish I could see an end in sight. I wish I could walk. I wish I could move without feeling excruciating pain. I wish I knew what "this" was.
I was in the hospital twice yesterday and I'm still in pain. I'm loaded up on Vicodin and muscle relaxers, but I still can't move very well. It's a little better, but that isn't saying much.
My entire back has knots in it. It feels like it is seizing every time I move.
Dale came over and helped for a bit last night, as did John. John came back this morning and was so wonderful. He brought me cranberry juice, nectarines, raisin bread, filled my water glasses, and helped me to the bathroom. It's almost like having grandma around.
The worst part is that I didn't get to say goodbye to my students. My sub told me yesterday that 1st period insisted on making me get well cards. I started to cry. They were my sweetest class. :(
I think I'm going to have to go back to the hospital tonight. |
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| I'm here! |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|11:19 am] |
*Giggle*
I was feeling a little nervous last night and this morning. It was the first time I have had reservations about coming...but it was nothing serious. Just wedding day jitters.
But now that I'm here, I'm so meant to be here.
Love IT.
Love it, love it, love it.
Nicole picked me up this morning and we went to breakfast at a sweet little French cafe. LOVED it.
Got to take a nap and I was reminded of how much I LOVE their apartment.
I got to watch Jess spray paint a banner for their friend's birthday party...a tiki with "Happy Birthday" written on a log in his mouth. Very cute.
The graffiti art that was done at the benefit when I was last here is hung abovve their tv in the living room.
LOVE it. |
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| It's official |
[Jun. 9th, 2007|08:36 am] |
The tickets are bought and I am going to Spain. I'm having to cut it short and won't be able to see LCD Sound Systemsystem in Madrid the 14th, but the money just isn't there since I had to fix my car. I came to the realization last night that I can't have it all and should be content with Madrid and Pamplona.
I had a horrible time piecing together my tickets because the cost was ridiculous. I was seeing prices from $1500 to $2000. Oh hell no! So instead, I used my $400 voucher from Delta to get to NYC and will be using Airgorilla to get to Spain. It will cost about $1200 for that part and I'm spending $160 more for the NYC part. The challenge was getting the times and the airports to match up, but it finally worked out in the end. The stay and food will be completely free in Madrid so I just need money for the bus to Pamplona and my stay with Graeme's crazy group. I'm so looking forward to this.
I'm horribly sick today. It seems my lack of sleep and constant running, swimming, and nonstop action has taken a toll on my body. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. You would think I would learn. It will make this weekend a challenge for sure. |
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| The Stinky Cheeseman and Bucheron cheese |
[Jun. 6th, 2007|04:51 pm] |
Which do I love more?
As a final time filler I'm reading two of my classes "The Stinky Cheeseman and Other fairly Stupid Tales." It's good stuff. You should read it sometime. It is probably one of my favorite books of all time and I used to buy it for all of the kids I nannied for. It's more of a challenge for ESL kids though, because they don't have the background for many of the stories. They are familiar with some, but not all of them.
I just scarfed down .2IB of Bucheron cheese. I want more. Sometimes I crave excessive amounts of cheese. What does this mean?? |
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| Out of 822 for the Niketown 5K |
[Jun. 5th, 2007|06:21 am] |
Place
279
Time
27:51
Pace
8:59
There were about 2200 participants, but many of them were kids and they didn't use the chips.
Woohoo I'm getting faster!! |
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| Tweezers |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|09:49 pm] |
I just want to say, I hate tweezers. I never realized how challenging it was to find good tweezers until I lost my old ones somewhere between here and NYC. I thought, "Oh well, I'll just go to the store and get some new ones." Oh no. It's not that simple. The first ones I bought for $6.99, not only did not pluck my eye brows, but when I sort of missed (I do have some depth perception issues), it ripped the shit out of my skin. I tried them for a week and then decided I would save myself the ridicule of splotchy, missing patches of skin. I bought a new brand and didn't have problems with puncturing my skin, instead, the fucking things cut the hairs in half as I tried to pluck them. What the hell??
Just thought I'd share because I thought ya'll would care.
I got to meet one of the former Dukes from the Dukes of Hazard. Not bad looking for a guy older than my mom. She got his autograph. It was cute. |
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